This Is All Your Fault (The New Batch)
(We start off with Nash in his room poking around on his phone when Stick Boy comes over to him) Nash: Oh, hey, what's up, man? (Stick Boy tries to signal to him) What? (Stick Boy gets a little mad, then signals again) What, Timmy's in the well? What? (Stick Boy pulls out a sign saying "You've got mail, a-hole," then leaves) Why do you never do that in the first place? (Nash gets up and we cut to black where something's growling. Nash opens it and he's startled) Nash: Huh. (Stick Boy peers in) That's, uh, that's something. (Nash reaches over and gives the whatever it is a piece of turkey. The thing growls and Stick Boy ducks out of the way) Jesus. (Stick Boy comes back up) Yeah, I think we're gonna have to clarify what I mean by "viewer submission" from now on. (He gives it a poke that makes it growl and scare Stick Boy again, then we get to our usual intro) Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Well, no matter how long I try to avoid or delay it, the inevitable has come yet again: Viewer Submission time. It's an emotional time for all of us here. Pain's an emotion, right? Well, nonetheless, it's the point where we reach into the proverbial mailbag and pull forth all manner of horrors with my sole consolation being that if my show ever goes under, I'll have had practical experience as a proctologist. Well this is normally the point in the episode where I'd elaborate on the show's theme, but since we don't have one, it's time for another Great Moment in Stupid History. (We come to our cartoon, "Great Moments in Stupid History") Nash (vo): Once upon a time, the human race stood poised to kill itself. Now I know you kids have grown up in the post-9/11 era where the threat of crazy people inflicting random violence is a fact of life, but during the Cold War, it wasn't the crazy people you had to worry about. It was the people running the largest governments on the planet. (a cartoon of Daffy Duck hitting Hitler with a mallet is shown) Crazy people would have been a welcome improvement. In our quest to make the whole of the earth glow in the dark, the US decided we needed an entirely new method of warhead delivery. Not only did it need to kill absolutely every motherfucker in the room, but we latched on the idea of doing so invisibly. Since Wonder Woman already held the patent on that technology, we needed to devise a new method. (Crazy Stick Boy is near a catapult with a switch in his hand. Stick Boy drops onto the launching end with a missile in his hand and a buzzer is heard. A can of spray paint makes Stick Boy and the bomb turn straight black. The buzzer is heard, but CSB pushes the button to launch him) Not every idea was...practical. (an explosion is heard as the scene is covered in white) Finally, the Northrup Corporation developed the B-2 Stealth Bomber. Each plane with a price tag of around $1.4 billion. Or about 1 4/10 Instagrams. It's one of the most sophisticated airplanes on earth with one eensy, teensy, tiny little fault: the air pressure sensors tended to fuck the dog if exposed to excess condensation from humidity. (Stick Boy and CSB are in the shot, with CSB holding a hair blower) But no worries, they just needed to add "drying off the sensors" (Stick Boy's word balloons have a picture of condensation, then a desert) to the preflight checklist, firmly placing the problem in human hands. (CSB sticks the hair blower into his mouth, blowing his head up like a balloon) What could go wrong? Wel... (a clip of the plane crashing on the airstrip is shown as the Price Is Right fail horns are heard. Following that, a Someecard is shown saying "Sorry you destroyed a billion goddamn dollars. But hey! Still got your health.") Yeah, uh, do they make Someecards for this, uh, situation? Nash: Well, that should firmly prepare us for the stupidity to come. (Nash then just laughs) God, kill me. (he calms down from that laughter) Well, our first story is about some crazy from last month's Halloween, or as I like to call it, another excuse for you to bitch about my production schedule. (The report is titled "Donald Junior Green, UK Man, Gives Children Cocaine Instead Of Candy On Halloween") Nash (vo): Donald Green did what many of us do on Halloween: Offer up treats to the ravening hordes of crotch goblins so they don't pee in our mailboxes. But this week, Donald went a little above and beyond because parents discovered their kids coming home with chocolate, candy, and cocaine. Man, what happens when they run out? (Nash is seen snorting up pixie sticks like cocaine) Nash: Damn these pixie sticks aren't doing it for me anymore! I need something harder! (He takes out a package of pop rocks and snorts that makes him blow up in a nuclear fireball) (Back to the report) Nash (vo): Fortunately the story indicates that none of the kids ingested the cocaine but, honestly, how would they tell the difference? (A clip is shown of a kid cheering excitedly after getting a Wii for a present) Nash: I've always said there's no finer birth control than other people's kids. Anyway, back to the story. How? How in the unending fuck did this guy manage to get the Mike & Ikes mixed up with the Colombian Marching Powder? That's like going out to buy a christmas tree and coming home with a bag full of dayglo dildos. Just because it's called "nose candy" doesn't mean it's safe for kids 8 and up. So next time, keep the crack, and the crack candy, seperate! Well, next up, there have been whole novels and dissertations dedicated to the careful, methodical cunning of the criminal mind. Then there's this guy. (The report is titled "Kung fu instructor, students, fight off would-be robber in Squirrel Hill") Nash (vo): Joshua Wang was just wrapping up a karate class when an armed man burst into his studio and attempted to rob the place. After Wang finished laughing his balls off, he then proceeded to, and I swear this is a quote, "grab his head and twist it." (The Chicken Dance comes on) Nash: And yet again, it's time to do the math. This, (a clip of the bank robbing scene from The Dark Knight) plus this, (a clip of Kreese's "Mercy is for the weak" speech in The Karate Kid) equals all of this. (A clip of Mortal Kombat 3 is shown as Liu Kang spams his bicycle kick on Shang Tsung) The question must be asked: Is our criminals learning? Because if you think you're going to walk into a kung fu studio-- ("Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting" plays. Nash points off-screen) No! (record scratch) No! No. (He mouths no, then back to the camera) Anyway, unless your balls are so astounding as to require you to use a wheelbarrow, you don't pull a heist on Asskicker Central. Now the gunman did get away, but police have released (a picture of a man with his head up his ass) this sketch of the suspect. Our next story takes us to India where we find out what happens when giant mammals go on a bender. No, I don't mean Kevin Smith. (The report is titled "Herd of elephants go on drunken rage after mammoth booze up") Nash (vo): In the small, backwoods village of Dumurkota, residents were brewing up a whole mess of moonshine. Hey, America and India aren't so different after all. Well, except the part where a herd of elephants showed up, drank 500 liters of the stuff and proceeded to destroy all of the things. And we got video! (and we get a clip of the Pink Elephant song from Dumbo) Nash: Ah, yes, heheh. That's funny. Put the silly clip in there, make me look stupid, that's...that's funny. Heh. Okay. Okay. (he picks up a mallet and throws it off-screen. A crash and a man screaming is heard) Who's laughing now, huh? Who's laughing now? (he them remembers he's on camera and calms down) So anyway, the takeaway is obvious: Don't leave half a ton of booze where wild goddamn animals can drink it! You take what's essentially a living bulldozer and pump it full of moonshine, you're gonna have a goddamn disaster on your hands! Or a Stephen King movie. (A poster for the movie, Maximum Overdrive, is shown) Wait, no, sorry, that's the same thing. Next up we've got a topical story, otherwise known as "confusing the people five years from now." (The report is titled "ABC Affiliate: 'All Up In My Snatch' Petraeus Book Graphic A 'Mistake') Nash (vo): In the mist of the rush to report on the Petraeus Scandal, an editor hurried to get a graphic of Paula Broadwell's novel, "All In," from Google. But you throw in a dash of internet illiteracy and just a smidgeon of slutshaming. And, yeah, and you know this wasn't a new thing for this guy, either. (Nash is now in a suit and has his hair tied back, acting like a news reporter. On the right is a picture of the goof in question Nash: Other stories we're looking at tonight. Do lasers lurk inside your baby? (a picture of a baby chasing a cat is shown with lasers coming out of their eyes) We'll find out. Also tonight, (a picture of a helicopter towing a spiked wrecking ball toward two people) we examine new military technologies. But first, our top story this hour. (A picture of the Statue of Liberty is shown with UFOs, a dragon, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, the shark from Jaws and Godzilla) Hurricane Sandy. We are all going to goddamn die. (Nash is back in his chair in the usual clothes) Nash: Heh. Uh, yeah. Couple questions. Um, are you blind? If not, are you illiterate? And if the answer to both those questions is firmly no, then that leaves "are you a nutbustingly stupid twat?" Look, I know how hard it is to run my little, rinky-dink one man live show, so I can't even imagine how insane it must be to do a full on TV production. But even I take the two seconds to check to see if the next news story I'm going to put on the air isn't just a freaking vagina joke! Unless it's supposed to be a freaking vagina joke! I got a weird show. Well, we're on to our final story, and I present you with a zen riddle. Is it really identity theft if you're too stupid to fool anyone? (The report is titled "Man's identity theft attempt falls flat at Des Moines bank") Nash: When a man came into a Des Moines Bank of America to get a replacement for his lost debit card, it seemed like a routine transaction. Except for the man's glued on goatee. And the gray Halloween hair coloring. And the bandages wrapped haphazardly around his head which he claimed was from an accident. Turns out he wasn't the man he claimed to be, but was in actuality 30-year old Joshua K. Penny. (A picture is shown of the man's "disguise.") If you have at all been harmed by this shocking revelation, in the future I recommend you avoid operating heavy machinery. Nash: That's actually a worse disguise for a scam than the one I tried. (Nash is now in a church, wearing a toga, obviously trying to be Jesus) Nash: Hey everybody. I'm baaack! Sooo, who's got brewskis? (Back to Nash's room. He's quite embarrassed, then looks to the camera) Nash: Hey, I look like this, I might as well make it work for me. Anyway, what the fuck!? I mean, my god, man. Who told you this would work? Who the hell convinced you this was foolproof? Where did you even learn to disguise--(a poster for the movie "The Master of Disguise" is shown)--okay, yeah, now it makes sense. I guess the best thing I can offer Mr. Penny in the future is this. When you're putting together your "ingenius" illusions, try to avoid using anything from the clearance rack at Party City! So, in addition to the news this week, we're gonna do another round of Q&A where we try to assuage the curiosities of everyone who watches this show. All...both of them. (The Entertainer plays as the questions are asked like Ask That Guy With The Glasses) (Where does Arlo get those wonderful toys?) Nash: Eh, that's not a bad question. Let's ask him. Arlo: What do you mean, where do I get 'em? I INVENT them! Nash: Define "invent." Arlo: Simple! I sift through the patent files and combine them to create new and amazing products! (he takes out a miniature fan which shoots out a laser, making someone scream) Sorry, Bobby. Nash: That's not inventing! Arlo: It is according to Apple! (Nash is about to say something, but he's got nothing and concedes the point to Arlo) (Was WTFIWWY your first idea for a web show?) Nash: Ah, that's another good question. Uh, no, actually it wasn't. (Cut to another screen with Nash's "first show") Nash: Welcome to "Will It Be A Good Idea to Blend This in a Microwave?" This week, Spam! (10 minutes later. Nash is in a dark room, the camera focused on the left side of his face, quite scared out of his mind and crying. Roaring heard roaring in the background, along with sounds of destruction) Nash: (crying) I just wanna apologize to everyone! it was my project! My idea! Scared! Won't stop singing Monty Python, so scared! (Why isn't Tara on the recorded episodes?) Tara: Because I have a life. (she turns around in her chair, picks up the TV remote and turns it on. "Previously on LOST" is heard in the background) (Have there been any characters you decided not to use on your show?) Nash: Yes. Uh, there was Bacon Man (a picture of a man with his body wrapped in bacon), Darth Monkey (a picture of a monkey in Sith robes), and then there was, uh, this. (A clip of a man in a gimp suit and bondage mask is shown dancing around) Never try to run a casting call off Craigslist. (Why does Space Guy look like Nash?) Space Guy: Ah yes. Actually, I don't. That's just how you at home perceive me. In truth, my real form is incomprehensible to most lower life forms, so your brain just sort of fills in the gaps. For example, to Stick Boy, I look like this. (A stick figure version of Space Guy is shown) And to Arlo, I look like this. (The dancing gimp is shown again) (Why does Arlo look like Nash?) Nash: Because he's a character. That I play. (If you could have done anything differently, what would it be?) Nash: You know, that's actually a really good question. (He looks over to his mini-TARDIS) And it gives me an idea. (he picks up the TARDIS, lifts it open, and sticks his hand inside, trying to get inside. Eventually he gets in) Oh, there we go! (the TARDIS engines go VWORP! VWORP! VWORP! VWORP! as we fade to black, then cut back to the beginning of the episode) Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Well, no matter how long I try to delay or avoid it, the inevitable has come yet again. It's Viewer Submission--(suddenly a bat hits him on the head)--oh god, oww, son of a bitch! (turns out it's Future Nash who gives him three more whacks, sits down, then gives Past Nash one more) Future Nash: Hope that answers your question! Past Nash: I can't feel my legs! (and he gets another whack for it) Future Nash: Well, until next time, this is Nash saying if I have to hurt, (he looks down at himself on the floor) I have to hurt. (We come to the credits as Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy" plays) Final quip: Five costume changes in twenty minutes. I need medication. (One last clip of the dancing gimp)